The sinking loneliness of motherhood.

When I first became pregnant with our oldest, I heard of the differences between motherhood and what I refer to as my ‘single life’. I heard how amazing motherhood would be, how I was going to love my child beyond words. I heard how horrible labour would be, and how quickly I would forget about the pain (I guess… I had 2 more children).  Heck, I was even told about the sleepless nights and how to pick a Netflix series to watch (thank god that I convinced Ryan we needed this, before it was really a thing).

What I was not prepared for was the loneliness of motherhood. I made friends quickly with Mr E. I became close and shared. Then after 12 months, they went back to work and for whatever reason we went our own direction.

Why is it that true friends are tough to find, harder to keep and come once in a blue-moon. I count myself lucky that so many families want to join our program, and how they can feel extra supported over our time together. Yet, I see time and time again that motherhood is filled with superficial friendships that last for moments.

Yet, I am often left wondering am I navigating my life? Am I bringing about love and light? Am I seeing things and now asking to see what the private intent and effect of said action, or perhaps, I am way too quick to judge. While, I would love to say I am always open minded, and accepting. I know that when I look, I am quick to judge and thinking hurtful thoughts. Both to myself and the person, I am seeing.

I know that what parents put on social media is not their raw and tender moments. I know that these are the BEST times of their day. Yet, I am left looking around at my three little ones, wondering where I am failing.

I am looking at other companies that have all these amazing baby classes. And then sometimes am struggling to think, “Yes! My programs are of value. Families need what I can offer than. I am unique, because I am me. No one else can do exactly what I can”.

I look at friends who seem to have their life together. Half the time, I am a hot mess. Do not call me, chances are I will not even answer my phone as the background is WAY TOO LOUD to hold an engaging conversation. My one friends voice mail message is the follow, “Do not leave a message. I do not check them anyways. Call me back or I will call you”. This message made me laugh as I REALLY wanted to leave her a message.

At the end of the day. Mami, you are amazing. You are enough. Today may have been tough. Pray for grace (or whatever you do). Because motherhood is tough. We need all the support of the universe and the dancing of the northern lights to guide us. We need each other. We need to say, “I see you. You are loved. I need to take care of you”.

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